Jokes You Must Avoid During Casual Talk #5

Q: What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

A:

Revisiting 1996

I’ll keep this short. Saw the 1996 India versus West Indies World Cup match yesterday again on television. Some observations…

• Azhar is the most graceful Indian cricketer.
• How the heck did Shivnarine Chanderpaul become a big player?
• Sachin is the same. Those awesome cover drives, the inevitable lives and the charming reaction to bouncers. (100 matches and around 4000 runs then, 400 matches and 16000 now!)
• Anil Kumble would have been a completely different cricketer if not for the shoulder injury.
• Courtney Browne made the mistake of his life.
• Ambrose is the coolest cricketer ever.
• Ganguly’s role as captain completely eradicated the defensive mentality of the team that shows in this match.
• Cricket as a technique has improved by as much as the spirit has deteriorated.

Opening This Friday…

“LTTE urges men to join the battle. Says man power is the only scarcity”

 

 

And The Padma Shri Goes To…

Feb 4. 2009, New Delhi: The list of Padma Shri recipients for the year 2009-10 was announced today, much earlier than expected possibly due to the Mumbai massacre of 26/11, at New Delhi a week after the “dispatching” the previous year’s awards . As many as <data type overflow> people from various spheres of the society will be receiving the awards next January. Here is a brief list of the very many names in the list given exclusively to our chief correspondent Rumour Ramesh.

Arts: Film

 

Danny Boyle

Slumdog Millionaire director Danny Boyle becomes the first foreigner to receive the Padma Shri award (He becomes the second non-Asian to garner such a huge award after Nelson Mandela). The report reads “Danny Boyle has been so successful at exposing the underbelly of our nation that we ourselves were oblivious to. Thanks to Boyle’s life-affirming contributions, we now know that there are slums in the country.” An ecstatic Boyle spoke to us

 

“Oh, I just love the spirit of the country. Their sheer lust for life. This award means a lot to me. And our three musketeers.”

Tamanna

Also on the list was the veteran Tamil actress Tamanna, for her monumental contribution to the language of cinema and cinema of that language. However, the announcement was immediately booed by the NASA (Namitha Akka Supporters Association) who clearly felt that Namidhhaa was the one fit to receive the award this year. Chief Spokesperson of the association stated 

 

“Her contribution to the Tamil Cause has been brutally overlooked by the Indian Government from whom we demand an instant apology and recognition”.

You may recollect that Namitha’s contribution to the Tamil cause came last year in the form of her “run-away” hit  Azhagiya Tamil Magan which had a cameo appearance by Vijay.

Also felicitated was the ace comedian Madhan Bob who literally and as always was speechless. He tells us

“hehehehehehehehehehehe…..”

 

Arts: Music

Himesh Reshamiyya

The most expected recipient came in the form of Himesh Reshamiyya, who was endorsing for Gillette at the time the awards were announced. A calm and “composed” Reshamiyya reveals to us that the award wasn’t a surprise at all, at least to him. The immensely popular yet modest singer tells us how he feels about the honour.

 

 

“Mukesh ji, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan sahib and R D Burman sahib had a nasal voice but no one says anything about them whereas I’ve given 36 hits in a year and a lot of people seem to have a problem with my voice. I don’t think the above singers ever gave the same number of hits in a year,”; he adds “and won the Padma Shri”

Famous Tamil film composer D. Imman was also bestowed with the homour.

 

Arts: Literature

 

Chetan Bhagat

“Indian Literature and world literature have been given a face lift with the arrival of Chetan Bhagat. His keen insights on the workings of the new Indian mind, his uncompromising style of writing and his deep relation with the Indian value system have been remarkable. And he is writing for the next Aamir khan film”, quotes the report placing Bhagat on top of the list.

Tamil writer Baski, whose contribution of 10000+ jokes to Tamil weeklies is a legend by itself apart from his grueling interviews/TV-shows, has also been honoured with the Padma award.

 

Arts: Television

Cyrus Broacha

Senior television anchor Cyrus Broacha seems to have topped the category as a final minute change. Readers mey remember that Mr. Broacha was to launch his new show “The award that wasn’t”, a supposed spoof of a certain top-level civilian award given away by the Indian government, early next month.

Other TV personalities who were honoured were “Dindukkal” Leoni for his long running television play titled “Pazhaya paadalgala, Pudhu padalgala?” and Neeya-Naana Gopi (not to be confused with the Padma Bhushan recipient Badava Gopi)

 

Sports

Mandira Bedi becomes the first famous Indian soap-opera actor turned woman cricket commentator to receive the honour. The report says that she has been a “revelation” as far as the Indian cricket analysis is concerned and her reviews and opinions on the game are lessons to be learned for future commentators.

Sujith Somasunder

 Sujith Somasunder is the only cricketer this year to be awarded the Padma award. “For representing Indian cricket at an international level”, the report says “and scoring a boundary in his ODI career”.

And Volleyball gets its representation on the list in the form of Vaiko, incidentally a renowned politician.

 

Civil Service

Veeramani... Er, Prem

The Indian police force has been suitably honoured this year with two recipients being the obvious choices –  Prem and Vijaykanth. Mr. Prem told us something over the phone that went like “The judge, the jury and the executioner…”. We lost contact after this point. However, Mr. “Captain” Vijaykanth was kind enough to give us his thoughts.

 

“Enakku intha award vaanginathu remba perumaiya irukku. Indhiyaavula Padmashri vaanginavanga 2095 peru, adhula Thamil naattu kaaranga 190 peru, adhulaiyum civil servicela vaanginavanga 21 peru. Indha award vaanga Indiyaavila irukka ovvoru ilaignanum aasa padanum, theeviravaadhathukku ethirana porla namba pusst varanum. Anandha Raaj kadasila saaganum. Appo thaan Indhiya oru vallarasu naadaga mudiyum. Remba Nandri. Auuuung”

which translates to “I am happy”.

 

Miscellaneous

The miscellaneous category of the award this year covers other minor aspects of the society including science, business and the newly introduced category – Religion. Only one recipient has been chosen in each of these categories. 

Raman of “Raman organic petrol” gets the award for “his embracing of advanced science without letting go of his cultural roots, literally”. “Sundal” Mani (This entrepreneur may be unknown to you, but who cares about entrepreneurs till their confessional letters anyway?) is the only entrepreneur getting this award this year. It should be noted that Mr. Mani started a website that enables users to order home-made eatables though his site.  And the recipient in the new “Religion” category is Tamil director Ramanarayanan for “his immense confidence in himself, his audience and Himself”. Our reporters could not catch up with him as he was out of the country for his next film “Jordan Amman” 

 

P.S: Sorry, The portrait of Mandira Bedi isn’t available anywhere.  

 

New Vocabulary of the New Indian

Ingleez duday

Off late, I mean very late, I have observed a strange shift in vocabulary of the Indian people with respect to media, most notably in the Tamil populace. A lot of new words have crept up to unimaginable places and are at the brink of “extinction by overuse”. Careful perusal through the invariable marquees across all the channels would probably result in a whole new dictionary, but here are my top 5 so far.

5. Frenzzzz, Songzzz, Plzzz etc.: Is this some age of equality where people feel the usage of the last letter of the English alphabet is fading out? Or doez it feel juzt awzum to uze the letter? (yuck). Why all this affection to a sleepy letter people? Competing with terms such as “gud mrng” “I luv u” and “gud nite”, the z-maratho(r)n has invariably messed up the number 9 on cell phones. And gap10 is adding to the effect with his accent.

“Frnzzz, Romanzzz, and countrymenzzzz, lend me ur earzzzz”

RIP Mr. Shakespeare.

4. Mind-Blowing: Yesterday, I was searching the synonyms for the word “loser” all over the net. I finally made up a really fitting one – Reality show judge. I hate (most of) these guys because:

• They are absolutely positively untalented (I am OK with that, really)
• They have the most pathetic English (I am clearly OK with that)
• They don’t know they are absolutely positively untalented and have the most pathetic English

And out of all the adjectives in the language, they pick up this – Mind-Blowing. Can’t they just stick to good, V. good and V. V. Good? And doesn’t the usage of the term implicitly place a constraint on the user that (s)he must possess a brain? And to top it all they mask it using more absurd terms like “Energy Level”, “Performance”, “expressions” et cetera. One of these days, I wish, their mind really blows off.

3. Missed Call: If I remember correctly (Hell, I do), this was a term used to denote the calls that were not attended to. Those days, missed call was a result of the receiving person’s inability to pick up the phone because he was either:

• Away from the phone
• Busy in a meeting
• Dirt scared of the caller

Cut to present. Technology has advanced so much and people have become so brilliant that they actually know the delay between initiation of call and the time the phone activates the ring tone to alert the other end. And this is the same time that the cut off the call they have placed – just slow enough to make a registry entry as missed call and just fast enough to prevent even Neo “The One” Anderson picking it up.

Last week, I tuned accidentally into a “trade fair show” in Vasanth TV or Imayam TV or … (Does it even matter?). There I heard one of the sellers saying that she offered missed call orders. I was confused and found that only I was confused. It seems it is a regular business of theirs. For old schoolers like me, this is what it is – Clients would “place a missed call” to their sellers (how bizarre is that). And the sellers would call back to that number to take the order. Here you have people who are going to be doing business in thousands of Rupees and are finding it tough to make a single call. Great stuff.

(And for the records, the product was “Computer” Sambrani – a worthy contender here indeed.)

2. Dedication: Ah yes, DEDICATION. I’ll explain by giving the situation. There is a caller on the phone. He asks for a song from the film Kuruvi (crime number 1). After the host (ya, those guys who always buy T-shirts of smaller sizes) asks why he needs that song, he says he likes Vijay (crime number 2). The host then tells him that the song will be played. Now, what this guy does is that he interrupts the host and tells him that he wants to dedicate the song to his friends and family people (crime number 3). I mean, WHAT THE HELL! Point number one – The caller is not a Mozart or a Beethoven or a Rahman that he has composed something so that he can dedicate his efforts to his chums. All that is his here is the 30 paise he has spent for calling (which by itself is subject to debate). Point number 2: OK, accepted that the dedication part was a overdone version of familial affection. But the song he has asked – KURUVI (gulp!). That, I am as sure as surity is, is no way a composition from a Mozart or a Beethoven or a Rahman.

A nice way of attaching your name with some really good piece of music in order to tarnish its charm. I will make no comments about the tampered version of the word (kadicate et al.)

1. Rock/Rocking/Rocks/Rokz/Rox/(Rockage for some): This word has to be it. To think of it, I had used the word quite generously till about a couple of years ago. Now the mere thought makes me cringe. Blame it on the Indian Television again, especially the Real(ly so hazardous that you will choke to death by just looking at the colour spectrum of the participant costumes)ity shows. No other word infuriates me so much nowadays as this one. Rocking performance, rocking song, Ajith rocks, this rocks, that rox… phew. Poor Mr. Dwayne Johnson.

The other day, some wise guy had sent me a link that read “Gujarat Rocks”. I was shattered. I thought “not another earthquake in the same state!”. (Un)fortunately, the link lead me to an Orkut community that extolled Gujarat.

Another one – One of my acquaintances had moved into a new house and I just messaged him asking about the house. He instantly replied “the house rocks…”. I asked him “Then why the hell did you take it?” before I realized what he meant.

And not to mention the innumerable “gangs” across the state. Never heard of them? Tune into some music channel and you will find something like, Golden guys, Silver sizzlers, Bronze boyz, Thuvakudi Terrors etc (of course followed by that dreaded word).

Something has to be done before the noun form of the word becomes obscure and the British lullabies become pop songs.

P.Z: I dedicate this post to myself bcoz I don’t want to slander anyone’s name. Plzz don’t post commentz such as “rocking post, mind-blowing entry” etc. I know it is.

10 Ka Dum #5

With the year coming to an end, the year’s-best lists have been invariably sprouting in every field. So I present here my list of top 10 songs by A R Rahman this year. It has been a crazy year for Rahmaniacs. Rahman, who gives just around 10 songs every year, has provided us with more than five dozen tracks that we can even hold an album countdown. Well, anyway, here is my top 10.

Ones that missed by an inch: Behka (Ghajini), Jiya Se Jiya (Connections), Yaar Di Deedar Di (Big Band Theme), Inn Lamhon Ke Daaman Mein (Jodhaa Akbar) and Kahin To (Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na). And now…

10. Dil Ka Rishta (Yuvvraaj)

Rahman gives a slap to all those “simple orchestrations” and “peppy numbers”. You know what you are in for right from the initial chorus of “Passion and Aggression”. Vintage Rahman.

9. Taxi Taxi (Sakkarakatti)

At last, Kollywood has a Pathshaala of its own. Let’s face it. Which other song has had the guts to mix four languages and at the same time provide absolutely new sounds? 
8. Main Boloon… Tu Bole (Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na)

I know I’m going against the popular opinion of Aditi, but Rahman’s rendition of the best jazz in some time is but a revelation. And the instruments, the instruments… 

7. Ishq Ada Hai (Male version) (Ada)

Cranky, non-conforming and avant-garde. Rashid Ali’s unconventionality interspersed with Nino Rota-esque interludes has enough fuel to propel it to the top 10 of the year.

6. Rajiv Gandhi International Airport Theme

This sleeper may not find its way to many Top 10’s but you know you have been immediately struck once you hear “Aasamaan…” following the fascinating low-key chorus.  

5. Mausam & Escape (Slumdog Millionaire)

“O, Saya” may be a miracle on the screen, but my pick of the album remains Mausam & Escape. This is probably the only instrumental in my list, but its instrumentation speaks much more than words.  

4. Marhaba Ya Mustapha (Al Risalah)

Rahman’s single for the album is perhaps the most underrated song of the year. More spiritual than any of his Sufi songs, Marhaba Ya Mustapha is a simple, unadorned gem where you instantly realize how Rahman has sung it “Dil Se…”

3. Manmohini (Yuvvraaj)

Rahman re-creates the magic of “Dheem Ta Daare” (Thakshak) and Vijay Prakash’s masterful crooning is just what the album required. The last minute of the song has to be heard to be believed.

2. Meherbaan (Ada)

Vellai Pookkal for the new generation. Least spoken song of the year, primarily due to the film’s dormancy. One of the few Rahman songs that is an instant classic. This is one song I wish I can sing properly. 

1. Khwaja Mere Khwaja (Jodhaa Akbar)

Make way for the Raja, Make way for the Khwaja. Striking early in the year, Khwaja Mere Khwaja has crept into my arcane Rahman Top 10 and has possibly even dethroned Piya Haji Ali. Special mention for the transcendental instrumental version that just sweeps you off your feet. Magic written all over. More than a song – an experience.

Jokes You Must Avoid During Casual Talk #4

I hates people with bad grammar.

Ornithology in Aadambakkam

This paper is presented in partial fulfillment of the requirements for degree of Masters in study of films and their impact on biosphere. NO part of this may be cited or reproduced without the written permission of the author.

Abstract

Tamil cinema has always stuck to nature’s rules and not once have the filmmakers violated the sacrosanct laws of the nature. The Flora and the Fauna have been endlessly making their way to almost every aspect of the visual section and the literary section of the industry. Zoology, especially ornithology has been a vital field of research for the filmmakers of the state. This paper attempts to study superficially how Tamil cinema has affected avian ecology and vice versa.

Introduction

Though hundreds of quadrupeds and reptiles have time and again proven their sustained existence in the industry, the special position that their aerial counterparts enjoy is noteworthy. Of high interest is the section of domestic birds that have produced significant impact, primarily for their commonplace characteristic that enables the public to immediately identify with them. This phenomenon, largely unexplored till the advent of the new millennium, seems to be a breakthrough field for the directors of today.

Literature Survey and trends

Of immense interest is the impact of the Vijay (Mechanicus icantactus) film Kuruvi that has been making waves in the ecological circle, particulary because of its connection with the dipping Sparrow (Passer domesticus) population.

Here is a graphical representation of the issue in question.

Sparrow population trend

Here is an excerpt from Dr. Flyer’s thesis on the decreasing sparrow population where he examines the primary reasons for such remarkable fall in the numbers:

“…Vijay…”

Similar trends were observed in the Parrot (Eclectus roratus) population in, coincidentally after the release of the Raj Kiran (Femurexposus brontosaurus) starrer Aranmanai Kili. Some sources suggest Raj Kiran’s own menacing appetite as one of the major causes, but everything remains undocumented. However, laboratory simulations conducted on highly accurate models of common parrots and Raj Kiran seem to indicate that the presence of the latter did create a disconcerted habitat for the parrots. It was found that the parrots of the simulation followed a trend – they tried to displace themselves as far as they could from Raj Kiran. Highly efficient systems are now required to exactly calculate the distance of safest approach as the present figures clearly signal that the distance between the parrots and Raj Kiran are limited by mathematical limitations of the computers.

A rigorous theoretical relation, however, has been obtained. The distance of safest approach for Parrots (though the formula presently holds good for all living things) has been derived and is represented by:

D (distance of safest approach)=

[√ [(x2-x1)^2 + (y2-y1)^2]] / [x1-y1 - (-y1+x1)]

Where (x1,y1) and (x2,y2) are the present coordinates of Raj Kiran and the being under consideration. Note that when the coordinates are same, the bird is considered to be inside Raj Kiran.

Yet another case of ecological disturbance comes, surprisingly, in the same decade. This time it is the chicken (Gallus domesticus) population. Vishal’s (Needahitus Altitudus) Sanda Kozhi did to Poultry what Kuruvi did to the sparrow species. The trend was appalling. The annual egg-production got a massive hit as the public saw considerable increase in the cost of eggs. Some sources misattributed this to the avian-flu, which interestingly was a product of Kollywood itself. But the reason for the egg crisis was later found to be the shocking change in the cardinality of chicken that came about because of Sanda Kozhi.

However, the effect seems to have been forgotten after the release of Seval that counterbalanced the chicken issue by exterminating huge amounts of roosters (Gallus gallus). Bharath (Producerus favoritus) starrer Seval may have got positive response from the homo-sapiens, but the bird community isn’t happy at all.

However, not all such films resulted in alarming ecological trends. In fact, dating back as far as the 60’s comeback star Karthik’s father Muthuraman (Humorous cursedsonus) had played the lead role in a film called Panjavarna Kili (Ara chloroptera). Perhaps because of undeveloped scientific methods, the population numbers don’t show much variation.  And more crucial is the positive impact on the ecology that Rajni-starrer Kazhugu (Aquila hastata) made. This was the first time, an outcast and demonized member of the bird family was getting so much support. Having their lost pride reinstated, the eagles (not to be confused with The Eagles) remain grateful to Rajnikanth (Stylus superstarus) for life.

Additionally, the birds’ entomological counterparts also seem to get into the phenomenon, though only a few cases have been reported. The house-fly species did seem to get a lot of attention after the arrival of the Jeeva (Professionus dancejudgus) film E (aka Eeeeeee…, Musca domestica). Also interesting to note is that their arch rivals, the mosquitoes, were also expected to make it into the circle any time soon. But, perhaps as a result of their blood-sucking nature, the producers of the industry decided hat there were already too many blood-suckers around, though the international directors seem to take no heed about that.

It seemed like almost all of bird kingdom’s members have been exhausted, but history books suggested otherwise – Archaeopteryx (Archaeopteryx lithographica) is still left. The earliest member in the avian family’s exclusion remained a puzzle for years. Dr. Mayilvahanan, a scholar on tamil film industry has this to say:

“…Producers are obviously waiting for a Tamil name for Archaeopteryx. Once it is obtained, the film will get a tax exemption. It is expected to be a sci-…”

Dhanush (Nervous pencilus) is allegedly pushing for the role.

And this list in non-exhaustive. Large number of other instances albeit apparently harmless have made their faint yet noteworthy mark on both the ecology and the filmdom such as the Pandiyarajan film Neela Kuyil, Kovil Pura and Kozhi Koovudhu. Their long-term effects remains to be studied.

Conclusion

The inseparable relation between Kollywood and the bird kingdom has been established but the field remains largely unexplored and unstudied. Going by the serious trends, our filmmakers should take enough action so as to not affect the ecology. However, there are a few more threats in the pipeline viz. Mayilu, Panthaya Kozhi et al. Indications from the bird kingdom hint serious fight back as foreseen by Hitch.  What is sure is that the trend is unhealthy and is poised to be at the top of the agenda at the Planet Earth Summit at Canary Island late next year.

Reference and Bibliography

“Surely You’re Choking, Mr. Feynman!” – Richard Feignman: 1985, Penguin Publications.

“The Kozhiwood Dream” – Dr. Byrd, 1993, Random Louse.

“Yen dhaan intha madhiri padathukku ‘parakkarangalo’?” – interview with Paravai Muniyamma, 2007.

Dhina Thanthi (courtesy: Mr. Nair)

Googil.com

Jokes You Must Avoid During Casual Talk #3

 
I hate people who post one-liners to call their blog “updated”.

Jokes You Must Avoid During Casual Talk #2

Hey, Have you heard the one about the incomplete joke?